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BEFORE I DIE #4 (Why I Choose Not to Get Married Someday?)

I don't want to get marry. Why? Here some reasons why I decided that.

First, I dont want to offend anybody anymore because I couldn't be relied upon.

Second, I dont want to lose anybody that means a lot to me anymore. My oldest brother passed away almost 8 years ago from a heart attack. I still have deep emotional scars from it. 

Now, feeling lost is happening to me again. I feel like i have lost my mother. She is not same like before. She is like anybody else. It happens after my mother had a stroke about 3 years ago. My mother and I cant have brainstorming like before. My mother had dementia. I don't have someone understands me to talk to anymore. This thing really makes me upset. I feel so broke and alone right now.

Third, I can't bear let the people I love down. It will hurts me a lot, and maybe even worse. Depression. 

Fourth, I don't want to make the same mistake my father did. My father didn't prepare anything for his marriage, neither mental or financial. My father didn't care about anything happened in our family until my mother complained. Only my mother worked for money. If father didn't have money, he only ask mother for giving him. But if had money, he never remember to save it or give, he only squandered that money for himself. He only give his money, if it concerns his ego. He only care about his ego. 😬 And you know, he ever deceived by his coworker, and made him was in a huge debt. Thousands dollar. And he never thinking to collect money for paying it. He only let mother for paying it. To pay my father's debt, my mom should pawned her employment verification letter for the next seven years. Added to that, he made the same mistakes again in another time. He had also never teach us about something, like other's father did. Hence, I really hate him. He is the one to be blamed who makes mother got sick. He really don't know what a father's responsibility.

Damn my life. I got a stupid father in my life. 🤬😣😣

Because of this, I have a fear for becoming a father someday, eventhough I really want it. I am afraid I will not able to fulfill my family expectations either a good father for my children or a good husband for my wife. ðŸ˜­ðŸ˜­

Sixth, I don't want to stay away from my mother in the rest of her life. I still don' have many memories with my mother. In this last year of my living in our home, I will make many memories of my mother that I record on videos, and it will be saved on Youtube, so that I can cure my yearning by that videos.

And my last and biggest reason is because I am unemployed. I didn't have a job. I dont have any income. For me, before I get married, I should have a good financial first. If not, I will never get married, eventhough some people say that money can reach after marriage.


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